Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

The sun has evaded us for so long, but summer is hopefully, on its way.... If nothing else, my summer holiday is on its way and therein lies the crux of this post.

Understandably, I am quite excited to go away for a week, carefree and see the giant ball of fire in the sky which has eluded British shores for the most part of this year. Even though, my pallor isn't sun-friendly, I am excited to be in the shade so, as not to reflect its rays and blind everyone.

But, like a lot of people, I'm very self-conscious and rightly so, really. I don't have an enviable figure, I'm not tall and slim. I certainly, don't have a 'beach ready' body.  I'm wobbly, a little too big and all the little things that come with this.

Oh, don't get me wrong I will still be donning a bikini and swimming in the sea. You can't stop me. I'm not that harsh on myself, that I will allow my body hang ups to stop me enjoying myself. There's more to life than my figure, and I like to have a drink... so.... I, really won't care after the first cocktail.

Going on holiday with friends and not solo, does put the hang ups under harsher inspection. These are people you know and will see again. All those little things I can normally hide under clothes will be exposed - that shit tattoo that no one is allowed to see will be making a guest appearance. My friends won't even notice, and if they do, won't care or point out anything that I'm worried about. They're lovely and good friends, who I'm sure have their own worries (not that they need to).

Sure, I could have been in the gym or running for the past few months but that is also, too daunting, and worse still when I'd have to go it alone. 

What a lot of all this stems from is fear, and being judged.

Going to the gym - terrifying. People who are already fit and running miles on treadmills whereas I'd be wheezing and sweating after 3minutes.

Going to the beach in a bikini - terrifying. People who are happy, strutting around whereas I'll be wiggling and feeling uncomfortable in less time than I would at the gym. 

Even after the initial bikini parade is over, that's only the beginning and when I think about it, the easiest part. It's the consequences of being slightly overweight which put the most fear in my heart and make my stomach do somersaults. 

This next bit, is a bit no holds barred. Slightly graphic. That was your warning. 

If you'd rather not know certain things about me, this would be the time to click off. Thanks for reading to this point. Let's continue.

For those who don't have such problems let me make a short list:

• top of the thighs that jiggle together and essentially chafe. It's disgusting and unpleasant and unavoidable (until you lose weight)
• because it's hot, just armpit area starts feeling uncomfortable - why do you do that arm?
• generally just being too hot. All the time. Drinking as much water as you are perspiring. Gross.
• stretch marks, they're always nice, they could be worse though, I guess
• cellulite, or those little pock marks that appear from frickin' nowhere, again they're always nice

Not to mention that with my skin colouring and dark hair, always having the feeling that everyone can see any hair on your legs or armpits (even though you know they can't). Oh! And having bad skin is yet another factor! Unfortunately, not so much on my face but on my back because I got all the good genes.

The list goes on and on and on....

I'm not fishing for compliments. God knows my Mum is far too willing to dish them out and claim I'm being too harsh on myself. I am a little critical but all of the above, that's facts. 

I will still put my bikini on, swim in the sea, bask in the shade, drink cocktails, enjoy myself. It'll only be until I'm there that all of my fears will be put on the side lines. They will still be there, but I'll bite the bullet and just perhaps cry in the sea, because that's already salt water. 

If nothing else, I have started to eat a little less, a little healthier and walk a little further. I'll be fighting fit for NYE. Just you see....

Girls, Girls, Girls

If you hadn't noticed, realised or knew by now - and this may come as a surprise - I am a girl. A female. A lady. Not a man.

And being of said gender I have a group of 'girls' who are my closest alibis. There are three of them. Three beautiful ladies to whom I can have heartfelt conversations with, talk bollocks with, hang out, watch films, drink, go for lunch and all those wonderful things a friendship entails. I endlessly appreciate that I can send them a text about a TV show they've never watched, a picture of my cat or a cry for help. These are my 'girls' but you will never hear me say 'I'm going out with the girls' it doesn't feel comfortable rolling off my tongue.

I am also a fan of the HBO show 'Girls'. I like this show but I think the cons are on a par with the pros but hey, it's half an hour where I can sit back, have a little laugh and be simultaneously in so much awe and be so incredibly jealous of its' creator, Lena Dunham.  

If you have not watched Girls, there's a group of four girls in their early twenties living in New York City dealing with life, work, the future and their social lives. Each is a very distinct character but the lead is Lena's character of Hannah. I won't go in to the ins and outs of the show but I'm pretty sure you get the gist from that small description. They're very close to each other and extremely open and honest. That, is where the (one of the) problem lies.

They are extremely open and honest with each other.

Is this a bad thing you may ask? Probably not.
Is it just because you're not that open and honest? Possibly, probably.

Having discussed with my 'girls' (does putting it in quotations make it seem like I'm questioning if they are females or in fact, real? I stated why up there, I don't like using it) not being that open and honest is absolutely spiffingly great and it does not deter from our friendships.

Quite frankly, sharing a bath or bathing time with my best friend gives me the creeps - yes this happens on more than one occasion in this series. Shivers and crawly-feeling skin, the whole shebang. Perhaps, I like my privacy and that makes me the weirdo but the general consensus suggests otherwise. 

Since Sex and the City it feels as though there has been this pressure on groups of females who are friends to tell each other details of their sex lives, share everything, feel comfortable stripping naked in front of each other whilst still maintaining an average conversation. It is great for these characters but really is this how everything is or am I a repressed prude? I like to think I'm not but the fictional world of television has seeped into reality has it not. I'm fairly happy to discuss things honestly but only if necessary and I don't want to be hearing about other peoples sex lives really. I wasn't involved at the time, please don't involve me now. 

Being open and honesty is a great way to be. Yet, a little discretion goes a long way.

I love my girl friends, but I'd rather not see them naked. I'd prefer not to know what they get up to in the bedroom, I'm pretty sure we're old enough to assume we're doing the down and dirty  with our partners/choices in a safe way! There's honesty and laying everything out on the table. 

Or is there? 

I hope this isn't just how I and my friends feel, maybe we are the ones missing out on another level of friendship and closeness by not flaunting ourselves both physically and emotionally to each other? Yet, you can be open and honest and assume that your friends will also be making assumptions without you having to say a word. They'll know if you're sad through a text so they don't have to sit on the side of your bath tub. They'll know if you're having fun with your boyfriend or what have you because well, they ain't stupid. They'll know. They'll just know. As beautiful and sexy as they are, I like them in their clothes.

When it comes to Girls, Girls, Girls and honesty, I'll just rock out to Motley Crue.