The sun has evaded us for so long, but summer is hopefully, on its way.... If nothing else, my summer holiday is on its way and therein lies the crux of this post.
Understandably, I am quite excited to go away for a week, carefree and see the giant ball of fire in the sky which has eluded British shores for the most part of this year. Even though, my pallor isn't sun-friendly, I am excited to be in the shade so, as not to reflect its rays and blind everyone.
But, like a lot of people, I'm very self-conscious and rightly so, really. I don't have an enviable figure, I'm not tall and slim. I certainly, don't have a 'beach ready' body. I'm wobbly, a little too big and all the little things that come with this.
Oh, don't get me wrong I will still be donning a bikini and swimming in the sea. You can't stop me. I'm not that harsh on myself, that I will allow my body hang ups to stop me enjoying myself. There's more to life than my figure, and I like to have a drink... so.... I, really won't care after the first cocktail.
Going on holiday with friends and not solo, does put the hang ups under harsher inspection. These are people you know and will see again. All those little things I can normally hide under clothes will be exposed - that shit tattoo that no one is allowed to see will be making a guest appearance. My friends won't even notice, and if they do, won't care or point out anything that I'm worried about. They're lovely and good friends, who I'm sure have their own worries (not that they need to).
Sure, I could have been in the gym or running for the past few months but that is also, too daunting, and worse still when I'd have to go it alone.
What a lot of all this stems from is fear, and being judged.
Going to the gym - terrifying. People who are already fit and running miles on treadmills whereas I'd be wheezing and sweating after 3minutes.
Going to the beach in a bikini - terrifying. People who are happy, strutting around whereas I'll be wiggling and feeling uncomfortable in less time than I would at the gym.
Even after the initial bikini parade is over, that's only the beginning and when I think about it, the easiest part. It's the consequences of being slightly overweight which put the most fear in my heart and make my stomach do somersaults.
This next bit, is a bit no holds barred. Slightly graphic. That was your warning.
If you'd rather not know certain things about me, this would be the time to click off. Thanks for reading to this point. Let's continue.
For those who don't have such problems let me make a short list:
- top of the thighs that jiggle together and essentially chafe. It's disgusting and unpleasant and unavoidable (until you lose weight)
- because it's hot, just armpit area starts feeling uncomfortable - why do you do that arm?
- generally just being too hot. All the time. Drinking as much water as you are perspiring. Gross.
- stretch marks, they're always nice, they could be worse though, I guess
- cellulite, or those little pock marks that appear from frickin' nowhere, again they're always nice
Not to mention that with my skin colouring and dark hair, always having the feeling that everyone can see any hair on your legs or armpits (even though you know they can't). Oh! And having bad skin is yet another factor! Unfortunately, not so much on my face but on my back because I got all the good genes.
The list goes on and on and on....
I'm not fishing for compliments. God knows my Mum is far too willing to dish them out and claim I'm being too harsh on myself. I am a little critical but all of the above, that's facts.
I will still put my bikini on, swim in the sea, bask in the shade, drink cocktails, enjoy myself. It'll only be until I'm there that all of my fears will be put on the side lines. They will still be there, but I'll bite the bullet and just perhaps cry in the sea, because that's already salt water.
If nothing else, I have started to eat a little less, a little healthier and walk a little further. I'll be fighting fit for NYE. Just you see....
